I bet we all have stories. I can't be the only one that has had embarrassing moments related to being obese. We may want keep them to ourselves and that is understandable. The embarrassment and shame can be too painful to ever want anyone else to know. However, I have found over the years that by telling these stories, it not only lessens their power over me, but it allows others to realize they are not alone and that there is compassion and understanding out there in the world. Yes, there is also judgment and cruelty, but those people don't matter. Only a miserably unhappy self loathing person can take pleasure in hurting someone. Feel sorry for them, but never let them influence your self worth. So, on with the stories:
1. Car binging. Now I KNOW I am not alone in this! Eating in the privacy of your own car. No limits. No witnesses. I'd go to more then one drive through and pretend I have a "list" of all the people I was picking up food for. I'd find an empty part of the parking lot and eat 'till I could eat no more. I'd get rid of the evidence in the nearest open dumpster and go home. That in its self is embarrassing to admit to, but it's not the embarrassing part. That happened in a mall parking lot. I had gone inside to my favorite bakery and loaded up on cookies, doughnuts and little pies. I went to my car and found my empty hiding place in the parking lot. I dug in with gusto, It was ugly. I had finished up the bag of cookies, 3 doughnuts, and I was half way through one of the pies when I noticed some movement out of the corner of my eye. I turned my head and saw an entire family in a van, parked next to me, mouths hanging open in stunned amazement at what they had been witnessing.
2. I was on a road trip along the Ca coastline with my lifelong best friend and our kids. We were somewhere near Monterrey and decided to stop for lunch. It was a warm sunny day so the kids all wanted to go eat on the rooftop deck. It was very crowded up there and the view was amazing. We sat in the plastic patio chairs they had at the tables. I was happy that I fit within the chair arms, but that wasn't the problem. As we sat there in the sun, I became aware of the legs of my chair gradually bending out. I was sinking! I was horrified and didn't know what to say. I used all my leg strength to try and hold me and the chair up, but it was hopeless. In utter humiliation, I excused myself to the bathroom and went in and asked a waitress if they had any wooden chairs. The process of one waiter retrieving my bent plastic chair and another waiter bringing out a sturdy wooden one was not lost on the other diners.
3. I was at a friends house and needed to use the restroom. It was during a birthday party so all her family and friends were there. I went in and sat down, only to hear a lot "crack" and a tremendous pinch on my bottom. I broke the seat. Now, most people do not have a spare toilet seat laying around so I had no choice but to go out and tell her what happened. The only other bathroom was upstairs in the Master bedroom so for the rest of the party, everyone had to use that one.
4. This one harks all the way back to childhood. I was in Elementary School and it was the end of the school year party day. We were all encouraged to bring in games from home. There was checkers and Monopoly and Life and all the popular board games of that time. One of the kids brought in "Twister". My favorite game! Now I had been a chubby kid my whole life, but I was also a tom-boy and was never one to sit and play quiet games. I got in on the Twister game and was having a great time until I bent and twisted to reach a colored dot and the loudest sound of ripping cloth you ever did hear filled the room. I had worn my favorite long sleeved velveteen dress for our party day (girls didn't wear pants to school back then) and like most of my clothes, it was too tight. The sleeve seam ripped from the elbow, straight to the armpit, and down the side seam to my hip. The entire side of my dress was open. The kids laughed hysterically and I went to the nurses office.
There are many more stories of moments like these. Any one of them should have been enough of a wake up call to get me to stop my self destructive behavior and get control of my life, but they weren't. A person in the midst of their addictive behaviors will endure all sorts of humiliation and shame. I have a clear memory of how I felt at those moments and if I had to find a reason to be grateful for these experiences, no matter how painful they were, it would be a acquiring a deep understanding of how someone else feels when they are trapped in an eating disorder. Your stories may be different, but I've found over the years of being a Cambridge Distributor...we all have them. I would love to hear yours. Telling them can diffuse the negative emotions they cause. In time, you can even see the humor in them...well...some of them!
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