Diary Of A Chubby Kid

Originally Posted by Pam Turner on 01/16/14:
From about 13 years old on I starved myself. I had been a chubby kid all my life and once I got in Jr High the teasing was relentless. 7th and 8th grade were horrible, but that summer I started restricting calories and lost weight. My family was happy to see me losing and didn't seem to care how I was doing it. I got through 9th grade very hungry, but I was able to fit in and wear those hip huggers and tight clothing and yes, my beloved Dittos, a brand of pants very popular in the 70's. I still felt very fat compared to all my super lean friends. Being so tall, (5'9" ) I already felt like some kind of amazon.

I grew up in Southern California in the San Fernando Valley so it was very much an appearance consciousness culture and the beach was the place to be. I needed to be able to feel ok in a bikini to fit in with my friends. The summer before beginning high school I went on 800 calories or less a day. I didn't care what I ate, as long as it was under 800 for the day. A whole can of Franco American spaghetti has about 270 calories. I loved it. I would have a piece of white bread with it and call it dinner. That summer I dropped down to the size 6/7 and grew boobs and everything was looking GOOD! People were shocked when I showed up in High school. The problem was that I was starving every single day. I don't remember one day of high school that I wasn't faint with hunger. I left home in the morning starving, spent the day starving, and then picked at my dinner and went to bed starving. This was before anorexia was a thing, but I don't think I was anorexic. I just knew that the only way I could not be fat was to not eat. I had been on a diet my entire life so this was not far from normal for me.

I started getting sick a lot, then bruising and hair loss started. It worried my mom and dad enough to take me in to our old family doc to see what was wrong. He was forever testing me for diabetes as a kid and he thought for sure this time it would come back positive. It didn't and I didn't say anything about my diet. He congratulated me on my weight loss though! Oddly enough, I did eventually end up becoming diabetic.

It will always remain a mystery how in a family of 4 kids, 3 girls and one boy, that I was the only fat one. All of my siblings were stick thin. As children, we all ate the exact things in the same amount. My mom served us our meals and that was all she wrote. No seconds or in between snacking, nothing. We rarely had sweets or sugary drinks or chips and never ate out. I was the only active one too. I was a total tom boy and they all were couch potatoes. Honestly, I don't think I have a single memory of my brother ever being upright! lol!

I came to the earth this way. I was a chubby baby, (9lbs 3oz!) a chubby toddler, a chubby pre-teen, a starving teenager, and an obese adult. I never felt "normal". It took about 5 years after my weight loss with Cambridge to finally experience life without constantly thinking about my weight. It's not completely gone of course, but it's no longer in the forefront of my brain at all times. I know I will never be out of control again and that as long as I have Cambridge I can relax and live life, but that chubby kid is still in there. I should have a talk with her and let her know we are going to be ok.