What Is Your Normal?

Being a person who has struggled with being overweight since toddler-hood, my sense of self was that I was an obese person, like I was made this way. Obese was my "normal". My identity. My destiny. My attempts at weight loss were frequent and varied, but the results were always temporary. The times I spent close to my healthy weight never changed my personal identity. I always knew that all those pounds of fat were waiting in the wings, ready to slam back on me. I was never safe from it, like I was being stalked.

The emotional chaos of never feeling at peace with my body took it's toll in many ways. Every choice and decision I made in life, somehow pivoted from my low self esteem and my knowledge that I would never be good enough.

I could never figure out how other people maneuvered through their lives, seemingly free from the constant anxiety I had with food and body image. Did other people go to school with a burning empty stomach in their attempt to be normal? I would watch my thin friends and try to figure out how they ate so much, so freely, without any guilt or shame. Why weren't my siblings fat? What was wrong with me? Why was I different? Oh..right...obesity is me.. my normal.

I lost my weight on Cambridge 14 years ago. The amount of effort to lose the weight, was nothing compared to the mental work I had to do to change everything I believed about myself and who I was. Instead of seeing my obesity as normal and moments of thinness as temporary, I had to flip that and force myself to believe that my obesity was what had been the deviation from normal. My body had spent 42 years trying to deal with my physical and emotional demands. It hadn't failed me, I had failed it. I may or may not be more prone to weight gain then someone else with different DNA, but that is my reality to accept and to be responsible for.

We all come in to this world with different challenges. There is no standard "normal". Just your own personal story. My story is that for most of my life, I believed a lie. A lie I convinced myself was true. Obesity is not my identity, my destiny, or my curse. I spent my life justifying my poor health and not ever really taking responsibility for it.  I am not that person anymore.

Life, Stress, Choices, Challenges

Dieting is hard, even under the best of circumstances, but outside stress pushes every button an emotional eater has. Without an alternative therapeutic release valve on your stress, it can turn in to an emotional battle ground which of course...creates more stress. For whatever reason, we turned to food as our coping tool. Other people turn to more positive outlets like music, exercise, hobbies, or any number of options. There are alternatives out there for each one of us. The challenge is to discover what yours is.

In a typical persons life they will be touched by all sorts of difficult things that are overwhelming and seem insurmountable, but for the most part, we get through and we go one. We may be changed, hopefully for the better, but we do go on. I have always told my kids that "You can get over pretty much anything". That probably sounds insensitive, but if it were not true, then why even try? I based this theory on my own personal experiences and heartbreaks. Deaths, divorces, addictions, poverty, homelessness, chronic illness, physical/emotional abuse..yeah..I can tick all those boxes whether in my own life or in one of my children's lives. And yet, time goes on and we do too.

We may not have the power to change other people, but we do have the power to change ourselves and the direction we choose to take. Obesity doesn't happen "to" us. It happens "because" of us. That's the good news! We are the creators of our current physical state, good or bad. We can be the designers of our new and improved physicality as well.

Never underestimate you ability to change.

Feeling Invincible?

I was watching a TV show about addiction. One of the men featured was addicted to meth, and the other to Oxycodone. They showed a little of what their day to day lives were like and how their addictions had affected their lives, relationships, and their sense of self worth. Like most addicts, their drug of choice took priority over all things. The show was about them coming to terms with their addictions and going in to treatment.

I found it impossible not to relate to these two. Over the course of my food abusive obsessive life, I made many choices that I clearly knew were harmful to my life in body and mind. I knew that these choices also affected my children and friends. They altered my life choices regarding school and career, and were the root of my dependence on others.  No amount of shame or guilt was enough to cause me to stop what I was doing. My food addiction took priority over all things.

While these two men progressed in their treatment and recovery I was impressed again by the similarities between their experience and mine. One of the counselors said something, (it was more of a warning) that struck a cord.  He said that it's when you are feeling the most invincible in your recovery... that you are the most vulnerable to relapse. This may sound contradictory. Confidence and feeling invincible should mean you got your stuff under control, right? Unfortunately for those who struggle with addiction, feeling invincible is part of the illness. It's an extreme thought process or emotion that is not valid and leaves you teetering for a fall.

Over the 15 years that I have worked with people struggling with obesity, one pattern that I've seen repeated over and over, is the dieter who successfully completes their first month on Cambridge and now feels invincible over their old behaviors and habits. They honestly feel so powerful that they willingly put themselves in situations that in the past would have triggered a full on eating binge. They think they will not be tempted and that there is zero chance they will trip and fall. This emotional state of mind is not based on a history of experience, but on the high they feel from 30 days of self control. This is not unlike the addict that leaves their 90 day recovery program after only 30 days completed.

Sobriety needs to be tended to and nurtured, not challenged. No matter if we are talking drugs, alcohol, or food. Yes, it is wonderful to feel free from whatever substance had a hold on you, but never turn your back on it and become cavalier about your recovery. It takes time and a restructuring of how we react to the events of life, how we see ourselves in our new lifestyle and others see us. Relationships have to adjust..sometimes even end. Ultimately, the goal is to feel peace in  your relationship with food. Extreme emotions are not the goal. Feeling invincible is nothing more then the pendulum of feeling out of control, swinging in the opposite direction. It can swing back just as easily.

Losing Weight Can Be A Lonely Experience

When it seems like everyone else in the world is out enjoying reckless eating and drinking and mindlessly indulging while you are stuck in this isolated place of dieting, how do you make yourself feel ok about it? How do you not feel left out or just plain depressed about not being part of it all? Food tends to be the center of most gatherings, big or small. Being the only one not partaking can make you feel like you have a big ol' spotlight on your head saying, "Hey! Look at me! I'm not eating!". People notice and comment and question what you are doing, They give unsolicited (and uneducated) advice on the perils of what you're doing. They prod and push you to eat something because "it won't hurt you and you gotta eat".

We all experience this. Losing weight is hard. Being on a highly restrictive and very low calorie diet has it's own special challenges. The rewards are GREAT, but there is a price. You may have to watch people eating those doughnuts a co-worker brought in to the office, or smell the pizza your husband brought home for the kids, or bake the cookies for the sale at the school.....and on and on.

Food is everywhere and there's no avoiding it so.. if I had any advice to give.. it would simply be to remind yourself that this is temporary. The food will always be there. Anything you want so badly today will still be there when you are through losing your weight. Holidays will still come. Weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, or just Friday date nights will keep coming as long as you are alive so what's the big deal of temporarily bowing out for one round of them? What you are doing is important. Give this effort you are making the respect it deserves and demand that the people in your life do likewise. Yes, it can be lonely, but like the butterfly that spends its time alone in its cocoon, soon you will emerge and finally be able to fully enjoy what life has to offer you!

The "WHY" Of Weight

I know it is a normal thing for people to try and figure out why they have allowed themselves to become overweight or obese. You could spend a lot of time theorizing and even allow yourself to be influenced by whatever the popular thoughts are on the subject, but I came to realize that you really don't get to the root of it until the weight is in the process of being lost. When you are forced to face the reality of self imposed limitations and you no longer have that crutch to lean on, it is time to deal.

One thing I realized over the coarse of my weight loss was that my obesity had lessened others expectations of me. This had not been the conscious reason behind my weight problem, but it certainly did play a part in the path my life had taken all those years. I'm not sure when my sense of feeling incapable compared to others took root, but being obese sure did give me a good excuse not to excel in anything.  I convinced myself that survival was all I could hope for and that I had a perfectly good excuse not to try for more.

I was quite shocked at how that all shifted when I lost the weight. Suddenly people had expectations of me! I was very intimidated by that and it took time for me to adjust, but my sense of achievement and interest in seeing what else I could do eventually got me through it.

Along the same line, as a single mom I was often overwhelmed with the 24/7 never ending demands of my 3 kids, plus running a home based day care 12 hours a day. I realized that the action of eating tended to make people leave me alone for a while. Even a few minutes of no demands kept me sane, so eating was a good shield to tell everyone, "Later, I'm busy eating right now".

These insights gradually became apparent to me over the months of changing. There were others, but these were a couple of the ones that took me by surprise as I discovered them and worked at dealing with the emotions as they were emerging.

If you are in the process of losing weight, take advantage of the insights you will be presented with as you progress. Don't be afraid to accept the fears or to take ownership. None of us get obese because we are hungry. There is ALWAYS an emotional root that needs pulling.

No Limits

I have a question for you all. Over the time that you have been overweight, have you put limits on yourself and the experiences you could have enjoyed? I know that may be a totally "DUH!" question, but I think it's a good thing to think about when you are working on keeping your mind focused on what you are doing and why you are doing it. The day to day grind of sticking to a limited eating plan, no matter what kind of plan that may be, can seem to drag on sometimes and we dwell on all that we are missing, food wise. Well...how much have you missed by choosing food over experiences? I know that for me, my weight was a deciding factor in all the choices I made, no exaggeration. I missed out on a lot. So did my kids.

Today, when you find yourself thinking about the sacrifice that losing weight requires of you, flip that switch and instead think about all the sacrifices being overweight has cost you. Then, imagine yourself in all sorts of new adventures! What would you do if you had no limitations?

Oh You Holidays! What Am I going To Do With You?

Here are my thoughts. It would be awesome if we could all SS right through the New Year. If able to do that, then by all means do it! Most of us seem to be kind of aiming for perfection during the most difficult time of year, but falling short. I believe that the one thing you do NOT want to do when trying to lose weight is allow any negative thoughts take over.

I had intended to SS right through the holidays and straight to my birthday on Feb 18th. I had completed about 12 or 13 days sole source, and then had Thanksgiving. Since then I have not felt motivated to get back to it and I have felt kind of bad about it, not to mention physically just blah. I realized that for now, my goal is good enough if it is just not to gain anything over the holidays. So what I'm going to do is get back in the habit of having Cambridge very day and  consider what I eat carefully and be sure it is worth it. It's not an all or nothing thing, or at least it doesn't have to be. I want to keep my attitude positive. I want to retain my Cambridge habit. I want to weigh every day for now to be sure I am not gaining ANYTHING and I also want to feel free to eat if I choose until Christmas. Then it will be a full on focused effort to my birthday. I realize that my birthday is just a day on the calendar and I've never been much of a believer of setting myself up with a deadline before, but turning 56 is kind of major to me and I do want to begin my 56th year in better shape then I am today.

Each of us has to develop our own strategy for getting through this annual food fest without doing too much damage, physically or mentally. I just want to be sure that no one sets them self up for any negative thoughts if they can't be perfect for the next few weeks. There is no one right answer, other then to be sure that you are keeping a positive outlook at this evolution we call weight loss.

Persistence, Not Perfection. An Emotional Healing

While on Cambridge, we all hope for perfection. We strive to stick to our diet without any detours or derailments. Unfortunately, it's not realistic to think we can isolate ourselves throughout the entire process of losing our weight. Success with Cambridge is not about perfection. It's about persistence. "All or nothing" thinking gets many of us in to a never ending loop of starting and stopping our diets. It reinforces thoughts of failure which only makes us feel hopeless and we give up once again.

There's always going to be something that comes up that will involve food somehow. That's just life. For example, lets say you have friends or family come in to town unexpectedly and  the decision is made for everyone to go out to eat. You don't want to be "that" person that lessens everyone else's experience by staying home or just sitting there with a diet soda while the rest of the table eats uncomfortably around you. What do you do?  Do you just dive in and go for it, using this as the perfect excuse to eat yourself under the table? Or, do you practice some good eating choices? We only have a problem if we continue to use normal every day activities and events as an excuse to binge and indulge our food addictions. If you eat like a health minded person, then that is a success! It's progress of the best kind. You are reinforcing your new lifestyle choices and will be in the proper state of mind to resume your Cambridge without it triggering an emotionally charged binge.

Eating food is not the problem. The emotions we nurture when we eat food are! The bargaining and excuses and justifying...these are the problem. They stir the pot of compulsive behavior and pretty soon, it boils over.

When given the unavoidable opportunity to practice good eating choices, take it as part of your recovery and make a point of detaching emotions from the event. Use it to your benefit as a chance to prove to yourself that you can keep food in it's proper perspective. That's not easy in our food obsessed culture. What other time in our history has food played such a obsessive central roll in our every day lives? TV shows and entire networks are devoted to it. The once common job of cooking for a living has become celebrity status. Restaurants and even food trucks clamber for cult like followings. Even home cooks are now endlessly striving for show stopper meals they see displayed on Pinterest and other social media. It used to be we just had to try to compete with Martha Stewart. Now we're all supposed to BE Martha Stewart!

You want to be free. The goal should not only be about being a certain size, shape, or weight. It should not only be about looking better for an event or a deadline. We all want to be free from this thing that our lives currently revolve around...our eating disorders. We all need an emotional mental healing. Only then will our bodies be able to do the work to heal us physically. We can't observe this healing from viewing X-Rays or stitches or any other tangible evidence of recovery. We have to be tuned in to our thoughts at all times and be willing to abort those that do us harm. A peaceful co-existence between our mind and our body, one nurturing the other.