I was watching a TV show about addiction. One of the men featured was addicted to meth, and the other to Oxycodone. They showed a little of what their day to day lives were like and how their addictions had affected their lives, relationships, and their sense of self worth. Like most addicts, their drug of choice took priority over all things. The show was about them coming to terms with their addictions and going in to treatment.
I found it impossible not to relate to these two. Over the course of my food abusive obsessive life, I made many choices that I clearly knew were harmful to my life in body and mind. I knew that these choices also affected my children and friends. They altered my life choices regarding school and career, and were the root of my dependence on others. No amount of shame or guilt was enough to cause me to stop what I was doing. My food addiction took priority over all things.
While these two men progressed in their treatment and recovery I was impressed again by the similarities between their experience and mine. One of the counselors said something, (it was more of a warning) that struck a cord. He said that it's when you are feeling the most invincible in your recovery... that you are the most vulnerable to relapse. This may sound contradictory. Confidence and feeling invincible should mean you got your stuff under control, right? Unfortunately for those who struggle with addiction, feeling invincible is part of the illness. It's an extreme thought process or emotion that is not valid and leaves you teetering for a fall.
Over the 15 years that I have worked with people struggling with obesity, one pattern that I've seen repeated over and over, is the dieter who successfully completes their first month on Cambridge and now feels invincible over their old behaviors and habits. They honestly feel so powerful that they willingly put themselves in situations that in the past would have triggered a full on eating binge. They think they will not be tempted and that there is zero chance they will trip and fall. This emotional state of mind is not based on a history of experience, but on the high they feel from 30 days of self control. This is not unlike the addict that leaves their 90 day recovery program after only 30 days completed.
Sobriety needs to be tended to and nurtured, not challenged. No matter if we are talking drugs, alcohol, or food. Yes, it is wonderful to feel free from whatever substance had a hold on you, but never turn your back on it and become cavalier about your recovery. It takes time and a restructuring of how we react to the events of life, how we see ourselves in our new lifestyle and others see us. Relationships have to adjust..sometimes even end. Ultimately, the goal is to feel peace in your relationship with food. Extreme emotions are not the goal. Feeling invincible is nothing more then the pendulum of feeling out of control, swinging in the opposite direction. It can swing back just as easily.
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Showing posts with label addicted. Show all posts
Showing posts with label addicted. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Calling In Sick
I rarely ever get sick. Even when I was running a day care in my home and was surrounded by constantly sick kids, I seemed to be immune, or I would get a very mild version and be over it in a few hours. Well...for some reason I got slammed 2 days ago with a virus that seems to want to make up for all those times I didn't catch anything. I feel like my head is in a bucket of mud and my body is dragging hundred pound weights from every limb. I've had zero sleep for 2 nights and frankly, I'm not taking it too well. I much more prefer my previous superhero powers of immunity.
One interesting thing I wanted to share before going back to my sick bed, or in this case sick couch (my hubby is still sleeping and all my coughing and snuffling is probably pretty annoying), I hardly ever get food cravings anymore. Occasionally I'll get an urge for sushi, but sugar and all those things that used to rule my life just have no effect on me anymore. Last night was Halloween and we didn't participate in the candy craze. Being sick, we just put a note on the door and no one egged our house. In my dark sugar addicted past I would have already consumed POUNDS of candy by the morning after and I wouldn't have stopped until it was all gone...and the stores were cleared out of their 50% discounted leftovers. I'm completely free from that, but for some reason, 2 sleepless nights have made me crave bread like my life depends on it! I hardly ever eat bread! Honestly, if my arm was made of bread, I'd eat it off.
I know there is a connection to insomnia and carbohydrate cravings. I've just never experienced it before. Probably because I was already eating a pretty carb loaded lifestyle. I struggled with chronic insomnia and day time sleepiness all the time back in my garbage eating days. Now, I am healthy and usually sleep like a baby. Being made aware that sleep deprivation can have such a dramatic affect on resurrecting food cravings is quit alarming! The urge to self medicate my fatigue with an insulin stimulating bread binge is natural, but like most things we use food for improperly, it is a temporary fix at best with long term consequences. Resist!
One interesting thing I wanted to share before going back to my sick bed, or in this case sick couch (my hubby is still sleeping and all my coughing and snuffling is probably pretty annoying), I hardly ever get food cravings anymore. Occasionally I'll get an urge for sushi, but sugar and all those things that used to rule my life just have no effect on me anymore. Last night was Halloween and we didn't participate in the candy craze. Being sick, we just put a note on the door and no one egged our house. In my dark sugar addicted past I would have already consumed POUNDS of candy by the morning after and I wouldn't have stopped until it was all gone...and the stores were cleared out of their 50% discounted leftovers. I'm completely free from that, but for some reason, 2 sleepless nights have made me crave bread like my life depends on it! I hardly ever eat bread! Honestly, if my arm was made of bread, I'd eat it off.
I know there is a connection to insomnia and carbohydrate cravings. I've just never experienced it before. Probably because I was already eating a pretty carb loaded lifestyle. I struggled with chronic insomnia and day time sleepiness all the time back in my garbage eating days. Now, I am healthy and usually sleep like a baby. Being made aware that sleep deprivation can have such a dramatic affect on resurrecting food cravings is quit alarming! The urge to self medicate my fatigue with an insulin stimulating bread binge is natural, but like most things we use food for improperly, it is a temporary fix at best with long term consequences. Resist!
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Recovery From Addiction, My Personal Experience
Originally Posted by Pam Turner on 05/21/13:
Over the years I have had board members generously share their stories, their fears, their addictions and their successes. I appreciate their bravery and their courage to open up and put it here on the board so that they can begin the road to recovery. Honesty is one of the most important aspects of this challenge. As I've said before on here, you can be the most honest person in the world in all of your dealings, but when it comes to addictions and behaviors, lying, hiding and secrets are usually part of it. Coming here and not being afraid to tell your story is the first step to being free.
Food addictions and eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes, but it boils down to self abuse and deception, even if that deception is to no one else but yourself. At times I felt like I was beating myself to death with food. The more I ate uncontrollably, the more I hated myself...and the more I ate. I hid food. I lied about food. I thought about it constantly and manipulated others to participate in my problem so I didn't have to feel guilty. My kids suffered from my choices. It can be a vicious cycle that seems completely hopeless when you are in its grip. I 100% believed that death by obesity was my destiny and nothing could convince me otherwise. I had watched my mother die from it. It was my identity. It was what all things in my life revolved around. I had fought this beast my entire life since the age of two.
Recovery is a process. It doesn't happen when the weight is gone. For years I was still an obese woman in a small body. The anxiety and fears of failure were there all the time. I knew I could gain it all back in a heartbeat. When I would go in to a store, bypassing the large size department and go in to the "regular" sizes, I felt like any minute someone would come to me and say, "There is nothing here for you. You don't belong here"...kind of like that scene from "Pretty Woman". It didn't help any that I felt like there was a constant spotlight on my head. Everywhere I went, people that knew me would freak out when they saw me. Others that had never given me the time of day would come to me like I was their long lost best friend and fawn all over me about my weight loss. Even weirder were the people who I'd known for years that didn't recognize me at all until I spoke to them. It's a strange place to be. I had a lot of emotions to sort through...a whole new life to build. I had not expected to live much past my 40's. I hadn't made any plans! Suddenly I was evidently going to have a future and I had no idea what to do with it. All this going on inside a person who only a few months previously had been the invisible fat woman in the room. Husbands flirted with me, wives glared at me, strangers talked to me, I had to learn how to be a whole person, present in my body and function in the world which for most of my adult life I had been on the outside peering in. People had expectation of me! I was very used to sliding by under the radar using my weight and my disabilities as my excuse to not function.
That picture seems bleak and I'm sorry for that, but it was my experience. Of course, there were just as many extraordinarily amazing things that happened. The first time my 9 year old son wrapped his arms around my waist and said "Look mom! I can grab my wrists!". Going out in to a world that I could now be a part of was like being out of prison. Not fearing abusive comments or stares or broken chairs or fitting in a booth or theater seat. Buying clothes because I liked them, not just because they fit... and then buying it in every color in case I couldn't find it again. Wearing colors, not just black or navy or brown. Feeling feminine again and no longer feeling like the "3rd sex". For years I had felt like there were men, women, and then there was me.
So back to the subject of recovery. I get asked all the time if there really is such as thing as recovery from obesity and all that goes with it. It's been 11 years since I lost my weight. it took about 3 years for me to get my brain caught up to my body. Things happened along the way. My beloved Aunt died not too long after I moved her in with me to care for her. It was devastating and I felt lost for about 6 months. Unknowingly I gained about 60 pounds. I woke up from my grieving and got things back under control, but it scared me to think I was still not free from this thing. All I wanted was to feel peace. I wanted my life to focus on seeking a peaceful and undramatic connection with food, to become almost indifferent to it. My life long cravings and behaviors that had enslaved me were still there, simmering under the surface.
Like any addiction, you have to work at your recovery. You have to know what you want first. You also have to believe in your ability to accomplish it. You have to replace old behaviors and thoughts with new ones. What do you want? What will you do to take yourself there? What is the ultimate goal? Short term, mid term, long term, don't be afraid to visualize all of them whether physical, emotional or spiritual. All the energy we have dedicated to negative and damaging thoughts and actions can now be devoted to positive changes that will free you and over time you will heal, you will recover. Never underestimate your ability to change. You have strength and power in your own life that you are probably not aware of. If you could open your head and scoop out all the negative messages there from others or yourself, what would that feel like? Poof! It's gone! What are you left with? That is your truth. Start from there and move forward. If you fall, pick yourself up and keep moving forward. Recovery is there. Freedom is there. Peace is there.
I can say with complete confidence that I am free from my past. I no longer crave food or hear it calling and taunting me. I can look at pretty much anything and feel complete ambivalence towards it. I don't feel deprived or sadness or anxiety when I am around foods that in the past would have driven me crazy. I have so much more in my life now that is real. The physical benefits of weight loss are obvious, but the emotional reward of overcoming addiction and all that goes with it is the most surprising and life changing.
Over the years I have had board members generously share their stories, their fears, their addictions and their successes. I appreciate their bravery and their courage to open up and put it here on the board so that they can begin the road to recovery. Honesty is one of the most important aspects of this challenge. As I've said before on here, you can be the most honest person in the world in all of your dealings, but when it comes to addictions and behaviors, lying, hiding and secrets are usually part of it. Coming here and not being afraid to tell your story is the first step to being free.
Food addictions and eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes, but it boils down to self abuse and deception, even if that deception is to no one else but yourself. At times I felt like I was beating myself to death with food. The more I ate uncontrollably, the more I hated myself...and the more I ate. I hid food. I lied about food. I thought about it constantly and manipulated others to participate in my problem so I didn't have to feel guilty. My kids suffered from my choices. It can be a vicious cycle that seems completely hopeless when you are in its grip. I 100% believed that death by obesity was my destiny and nothing could convince me otherwise. I had watched my mother die from it. It was my identity. It was what all things in my life revolved around. I had fought this beast my entire life since the age of two.
Recovery is a process. It doesn't happen when the weight is gone. For years I was still an obese woman in a small body. The anxiety and fears of failure were there all the time. I knew I could gain it all back in a heartbeat. When I would go in to a store, bypassing the large size department and go in to the "regular" sizes, I felt like any minute someone would come to me and say, "There is nothing here for you. You don't belong here"...kind of like that scene from "Pretty Woman". It didn't help any that I felt like there was a constant spotlight on my head. Everywhere I went, people that knew me would freak out when they saw me. Others that had never given me the time of day would come to me like I was their long lost best friend and fawn all over me about my weight loss. Even weirder were the people who I'd known for years that didn't recognize me at all until I spoke to them. It's a strange place to be. I had a lot of emotions to sort through...a whole new life to build. I had not expected to live much past my 40's. I hadn't made any plans! Suddenly I was evidently going to have a future and I had no idea what to do with it. All this going on inside a person who only a few months previously had been the invisible fat woman in the room. Husbands flirted with me, wives glared at me, strangers talked to me, I had to learn how to be a whole person, present in my body and function in the world which for most of my adult life I had been on the outside peering in. People had expectation of me! I was very used to sliding by under the radar using my weight and my disabilities as my excuse to not function.
That picture seems bleak and I'm sorry for that, but it was my experience. Of course, there were just as many extraordinarily amazing things that happened. The first time my 9 year old son wrapped his arms around my waist and said "Look mom! I can grab my wrists!". Going out in to a world that I could now be a part of was like being out of prison. Not fearing abusive comments or stares or broken chairs or fitting in a booth or theater seat. Buying clothes because I liked them, not just because they fit... and then buying it in every color in case I couldn't find it again. Wearing colors, not just black or navy or brown. Feeling feminine again and no longer feeling like the "3rd sex". For years I had felt like there were men, women, and then there was me.
So back to the subject of recovery. I get asked all the time if there really is such as thing as recovery from obesity and all that goes with it. It's been 11 years since I lost my weight. it took about 3 years for me to get my brain caught up to my body. Things happened along the way. My beloved Aunt died not too long after I moved her in with me to care for her. It was devastating and I felt lost for about 6 months. Unknowingly I gained about 60 pounds. I woke up from my grieving and got things back under control, but it scared me to think I was still not free from this thing. All I wanted was to feel peace. I wanted my life to focus on seeking a peaceful and undramatic connection with food, to become almost indifferent to it. My life long cravings and behaviors that had enslaved me were still there, simmering under the surface.
Like any addiction, you have to work at your recovery. You have to know what you want first. You also have to believe in your ability to accomplish it. You have to replace old behaviors and thoughts with new ones. What do you want? What will you do to take yourself there? What is the ultimate goal? Short term, mid term, long term, don't be afraid to visualize all of them whether physical, emotional or spiritual. All the energy we have dedicated to negative and damaging thoughts and actions can now be devoted to positive changes that will free you and over time you will heal, you will recover. Never underestimate your ability to change. You have strength and power in your own life that you are probably not aware of. If you could open your head and scoop out all the negative messages there from others or yourself, what would that feel like? Poof! It's gone! What are you left with? That is your truth. Start from there and move forward. If you fall, pick yourself up and keep moving forward. Recovery is there. Freedom is there. Peace is there.
I can say with complete confidence that I am free from my past. I no longer crave food or hear it calling and taunting me. I can look at pretty much anything and feel complete ambivalence towards it. I don't feel deprived or sadness or anxiety when I am around foods that in the past would have driven me crazy. I have so much more in my life now that is real. The physical benefits of weight loss are obvious, but the emotional reward of overcoming addiction and all that goes with it is the most surprising and life changing.
Confessions Of An Ex-Sugar Addict And Halloween Memories
Originally Posted by Pam Turner on 10/28/12:
Halloween marks the beginning of the holiday season, mainly the beginning of the over eating of bad foods season! Most of you have probably felt obligated to go out and purchase large quantities of candy for the trick or treaters. It's almost like being given permission to have mass amounts of forbidden sugary heroin in your house.
I know that for me, back in my sugar eating days, Halloween was as exciting for me as it was for my kids. I will admit it here, that often times I would have to buy the Halloween supplies several times before the day actually got there. I would be one of the first to stock up when the stores started displaying candy with the justification that I was just getting a jump on things. Yeah...right. In reality I would go through that bag myself in secret and then go buy again...sometimes more then once. I won't even mention my thieving ways when I would raid my kids bags when they weren't looking.
I can't tell you how many rounds I went with this behavior each Halloween. I did the same at Christmas and Easter. I was a secret eater and in spite of the shame and sickness it caused me, I felt like I couldn't stop. I could always find an excuse to overindulge or binge. I could always make bargains with myself and say that I would get control and get my act together...tomorrow. Somehow making a formal commitment to myself to stop it all would make me feel better about what I had done.
Even being diagnosed with diabetes didn't stop me. In fact, I remember when I was pregnant with my last child at the age of 32. I was going through a divorce and due to my health history of high BP, heart failure and diabetes I was put in the high risk clinic at the hospital I was going to. I remember one time being so depressed about it all that on the way home from one of my check ups I stopped at the bakery outlet and bought 4 boxes of snack cakes. I bought them "for the kids" and then parked and ate them ALL myself. I was so deeply buried in my eating disorder that even knowing it was harming my unborn baby didn't stop me. I had been put on insulin with that pregnancy and oddly enough, in spite of my crazy binging I ended up losing weight during those months. Once I had the baby and went off the insulin I exploded in fat and gained about 50 pounds in 2 months.
Being trapped in an eating disorder is misery. I was never one to purge..just binge. Most people don't think of that as one and the same, but it is. If I'd had the ability to purge I would have, but my aversion to it outweighed my desire to do it...no pun intended! No one knew about my problem, or so I thought. I was obviously morbidly obese, but I was in enough denial to think people actually believed me when I said the condition of my body was genetic or unexplainable.
It's been 22 years since I had that snack cake binge in the parking lot behind the bakery outlet store. I know I did it, but I can't believe I did. Don't get me wrong, it was only one of hundreds of times I did something like that, but that one remains with me because I was not only harming myself, but my unborn son. It is considered horrible for a woman to drink alcohol or smoke or do drugs while pregnant. What I did was no less horrible. Because of my choices I was shown on an ultrasound that my baby was basically suffering obesity inside of me. His belly was distended and he was growing too fast. I was told that I would likely be induced early and that it could put him at risk for immature lung development and possibly even having to break his collar bone to deliver him if his shoulders were too wide. Still...I did it. He was born with an Apgar score of 0. The room was completely silent..no crying for what seemed an eternity. The doctors worked on him and finally got him breathing, but Brian likes to brag that he was born dead. I was not a bad person. I was not trying to hurt my baby. I was completely lost in my sick behaviors and had no idea how to stop.
I had been dieting since I was 2. There was never a time in my life that I was not obsessing about food. I thought that was normal. It wasn't until I was 42 and completely overwhelmed with a long list of health issues myself, and also seeing my daughter at the age of 18, 300+ pounds and getting ready to go off on her own that I woke up. I searched and found Cambridge again and put in my order that day. I didn't really expect my life to change so completely. I only wanted to save her from the nightmare I had lived. The fact that Cambridge gave me the ability to finally break free from my addictive behaviors is still something that I think about and I am grateful for every day these 11 years later. It gave me back my self respect, my health, my hope and brought my family out of poverty. It showed my children that no matter what, we each have the ability to make great changes in our lives.
I will not be buying candy this year. I will not participate in this holiday anymore. It has no meaning other then for the retailers and the poor children who are being influenced in nothing but negative ways. I find it sad that parents now feel pressured to spend $30 or more on store bought costumes so their child won't feel bad wearing something home made. It used to be odd to see someone in a fully bought costume, now it is expected. The fun of roaming the streets at night trick or treating has been replaced with meaningless "trunk or treating" gatherings or wandering the mall store to store, etc. What's the point? You child is left with pounds of candy which is toxic, no matter how you sugar coat it...again...no pun. Having a party with creative costumes and games seems much more positive to me. Now that my children are grown I no longer feel like Halloween is mandatory. I can turn off my porch light and pull down the shades and let it pass me by. My husband was hoping this was going to be a good excuse for him to get to have some sugar in the house, but it ain't happening. He is a triple bypass survivor and sugar is not his friend. Mine either.
This has been a long rambling post, but the board has been quiet lately (normal for being right before an eating centered holiday) and I figured I might as well give you all something to read. It's good for me to reflect on my past life. It reminds me of where I never want to be again and hopefully it might nudge some of you in to getting honest and real with yourselves. Make good choices!
I know that for me, back in my sugar eating days, Halloween was as exciting for me as it was for my kids. I will admit it here, that often times I would have to buy the Halloween supplies several times before the day actually got there. I would be one of the first to stock up when the stores started displaying candy with the justification that I was just getting a jump on things. Yeah...right. In reality I would go through that bag myself in secret and then go buy again...sometimes more then once. I won't even mention my thieving ways when I would raid my kids bags when they weren't looking.
I can't tell you how many rounds I went with this behavior each Halloween. I did the same at Christmas and Easter. I was a secret eater and in spite of the shame and sickness it caused me, I felt like I couldn't stop. I could always find an excuse to overindulge or binge. I could always make bargains with myself and say that I would get control and get my act together...tomorrow. Somehow making a formal commitment to myself to stop it all would make me feel better about what I had done.
Even being diagnosed with diabetes didn't stop me. In fact, I remember when I was pregnant with my last child at the age of 32. I was going through a divorce and due to my health history of high BP, heart failure and diabetes I was put in the high risk clinic at the hospital I was going to. I remember one time being so depressed about it all that on the way home from one of my check ups I stopped at the bakery outlet and bought 4 boxes of snack cakes. I bought them "for the kids" and then parked and ate them ALL myself. I was so deeply buried in my eating disorder that even knowing it was harming my unborn baby didn't stop me. I had been put on insulin with that pregnancy and oddly enough, in spite of my crazy binging I ended up losing weight during those months. Once I had the baby and went off the insulin I exploded in fat and gained about 50 pounds in 2 months.
Being trapped in an eating disorder is misery. I was never one to purge..just binge. Most people don't think of that as one and the same, but it is. If I'd had the ability to purge I would have, but my aversion to it outweighed my desire to do it...no pun intended! No one knew about my problem, or so I thought. I was obviously morbidly obese, but I was in enough denial to think people actually believed me when I said the condition of my body was genetic or unexplainable.
It's been 22 years since I had that snack cake binge in the parking lot behind the bakery outlet store. I know I did it, but I can't believe I did. Don't get me wrong, it was only one of hundreds of times I did something like that, but that one remains with me because I was not only harming myself, but my unborn son. It is considered horrible for a woman to drink alcohol or smoke or do drugs while pregnant. What I did was no less horrible. Because of my choices I was shown on an ultrasound that my baby was basically suffering obesity inside of me. His belly was distended and he was growing too fast. I was told that I would likely be induced early and that it could put him at risk for immature lung development and possibly even having to break his collar bone to deliver him if his shoulders were too wide. Still...I did it. He was born with an Apgar score of 0. The room was completely silent..no crying for what seemed an eternity. The doctors worked on him and finally got him breathing, but Brian likes to brag that he was born dead. I was not a bad person. I was not trying to hurt my baby. I was completely lost in my sick behaviors and had no idea how to stop.
I had been dieting since I was 2. There was never a time in my life that I was not obsessing about food. I thought that was normal. It wasn't until I was 42 and completely overwhelmed with a long list of health issues myself, and also seeing my daughter at the age of 18, 300+ pounds and getting ready to go off on her own that I woke up. I searched and found Cambridge again and put in my order that day. I didn't really expect my life to change so completely. I only wanted to save her from the nightmare I had lived. The fact that Cambridge gave me the ability to finally break free from my addictive behaviors is still something that I think about and I am grateful for every day these 11 years later. It gave me back my self respect, my health, my hope and brought my family out of poverty. It showed my children that no matter what, we each have the ability to make great changes in our lives.
I will not be buying candy this year. I will not participate in this holiday anymore. It has no meaning other then for the retailers and the poor children who are being influenced in nothing but negative ways. I find it sad that parents now feel pressured to spend $30 or more on store bought costumes so their child won't feel bad wearing something home made. It used to be odd to see someone in a fully bought costume, now it is expected. The fun of roaming the streets at night trick or treating has been replaced with meaningless "trunk or treating" gatherings or wandering the mall store to store, etc. What's the point? You child is left with pounds of candy which is toxic, no matter how you sugar coat it...again...no pun. Having a party with creative costumes and games seems much more positive to me. Now that my children are grown I no longer feel like Halloween is mandatory. I can turn off my porch light and pull down the shades and let it pass me by. My husband was hoping this was going to be a good excuse for him to get to have some sugar in the house, but it ain't happening. He is a triple bypass survivor and sugar is not his friend. Mine either.
This has been a long rambling post, but the board has been quiet lately (normal for being right before an eating centered holiday) and I figured I might as well give you all something to read. It's good for me to reflect on my past life. It reminds me of where I never want to be again and hopefully it might nudge some of you in to getting honest and real with yourselves. Make good choices!
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